I’m inching on to being 4 years sober and it is my biggest achievement. I pride myself on it and have almost completely conquered my insecurities, jealousies and uncertainties around it. But to be fair, it took years of practice. When I first decided I needed to cut out drinking I was not happy about it. It felt like I had lost a game. Or like I had been caught with a dirty secret and now everybody was going to know. That was my biggest insecurity; That everyone was going to know now that I am an alcoholic. Because the nights of me slurring my words and falling all over the place weren’t big enough hints.

But if I had known then what I know now during my first month of sobriety, I would have been much less miserable. I thought I was being put in a cage when really the chains of addiction were being removed. I was finally free from constantly thinking when my next drink would be or how much booze I had left. I gained SO much time to do what I really loved. To really be in the moment of all the cool things I get to experience. The shame I thought would come with being sober had actually already come with alcoholism. Not drinking freed me from that shame.

Okay so we get it. Sober good. Addiction not so much. I would like to share some advice for those just starting their sobriety or those considering starting. If you are thinking about it and are not really sure, do yourself a favour and give it a chance. There’s something I like to tell my loved ones whenever they talk to me about sobriety. It is never not the right decision to not drink.

1. Give Sobriety At Least A Month

I see a ton of friends do a drinking break anywhere from a couple weeks to a year. It’s such great practice to keep your habits in check and allow your body to recover. I tried to do that a couple of times unsuccessfully. My biggest mistake was that I didn’t give it enough time.

When I decided to quit for good, I honestly did not see the benefit until exactly a month in. I woke up and thought to myself “it’s really nice to not wake up hungover.” From there, it was like a snowball effect. I started realizing more and more good that came from not drinking. If you stopped drinking and are wondering why you’re still so bummed about it, you may just need to give it more time. It may even vary depending on the severity of your addiction. If you’re dealing with withdrawal for an extended period, sobriety is going to suck until you recover. So give your body the chance to mend itself first.

2. Focus on the Positive

Repeat after me: I stopped drinking for me.

When I began my sobriety I told myself this everyday. I had to put myself in the mindset that I wanted to be sober. And okay, that was only half true. Me telling you that you have to want to be sober is easier said than done. We are usually in a place where we have to be. But it doesn’t always feel that way, I promise.

Until then, I suggest you really focus on the good things that have occurred from not drinking. Do you have more time to do the hobby you love? Are mornings less dreadful without the hangover? Do you have more energy to try something new? Life sort of became a playground to me after 1 month. I was excited for all the possibilities. I would go as far as to keep a journal and just list all the good things. Having a visual of the good and watching it grow day by day will really drill into your head that you’re not missing out by not drinking, you’ve been missing out on the fun all along. Go out and play!

3. Know Your Support Group

The first thing I did when I decided to go sober was tell a dear friend of mine. The way I thought about it was if I tell her, it’s real. The deal is sealed and if I’m caught in the act she will call me out.

There are so many options in terms of having a support group and this is key to your success. A couple of good people will keep you accountable, aid you when you’re craving, be an ear to listen to you and steer you in the right direction if you relapse. Be picky. A friend who will guilt you for not drinking or pressure you into going to a bar before you’re ready is not a good support.

Don’t have anyone you can really trust? Try a support group (more on this later). Or go online! There are lots of meetings online but I found certain subreddits like r/sobriety really helpful! For the most part people want to help and support you during the hard times of recovery. But again, be picky. If you feel like a certain group isn’t for you, ditch it. Keep in mind that the goal is to keep you sober so if you see comments that are discouraging to your situation, you just have to move on to the next group. I’ve seen some gate keeping comments about how one isn’t truly sober if you drink coffee or take pain killers. No thanks, not for me. You mustn’t let those comments get to you. Like anything online, we have to be critical and lop off whatever isn’t helpful.

4. Forgiveness is Key

Speaking of Reddit, I got some of my favourite advice on there that I would like to pass on. If you relapse, it’s okay as long as you get back on the train.

This user explained that there was not only a chance I could relapse but it was very likely to happen! Scary stuff. But by telling me it was okay if I relapsed as long as I started sobriety again, it took a lot of pressure off of not making a mistake. Sobriety is never done perfectly. We can slip up anytime but we can also get back on track anytime. One drink doesn’t obligate you to give up and go back to rock bottom. Give yourself grace and remember your intentions are in the right place! You deserve to forgive yourself as long as you try to right your wrong.

5. There Are More Than One Ways to Recover

This is a tricky one and I want to make something clear before I get into this: if AA or any other support group works for you, that is fantastic and you should absolutely stick to it! That being said, it is not for everyone, myself included. I’ve heard some absolutist advice like if you don’t join so-and-so support group, your chances of recovering are going to greatly decrease. I think that’s really silly.

People are different in so many ways as are their lives, their journeys and so will their recovery. I think there are varying degrees of alcoholism. The severity depends on how long you had that addiction, what your attitude is towards alcohol, and what have you dealt with either because of alcoholism or led to becoming an alcoholic. So why have a one size fits all solution?

I know people who have been greatly helped by support groups. There are actually many different types of groups for different demographics. I’ll never dismiss what groups like AA have done to help those who needed the support. And I was willing to give it a shot. But it didn’t feel right for me. I already had everything I needed. My support group, new hobbies to keep me occupied and some good self help books. My way won’t work for everyone but it’ll work for some. Despite others’ opinions on the likelihood of relapsing, I’ve yet to do so (knock on wood!).

I think it’s not only incorrect to say you have to join a group in order to recover, I think it’s dangerous! I’ve seen non-drinkers worry that there’s something wrong with them because they don’t feel like being in a group is really helping them. And a huge part of recovering is believing you can do it. It’s not a black and white scenario. Gate keeping how to do sobriety right can lead to someone believing that they’re not meant to recover. And no one needs to feel that way. So if you don’t want to join a group, if you want to keep going to bars to socialize without succumbing to drinking, or if you want to even enjoy non-alcoholic beer, it’s possible to maintain sobriety! You just have to have self control. Truly ask yourself what is the best way for you to recover. And keep others’ opinions on how you recover at arm’s length (just be safe for heaven’s sake!).